How to ask for a kidney donation

To get a kidney from a deceased or a living donor, you will first need to go through an evaluation at a transplant center. After you pass the evaluation, the transplant center will add you to the transplant waiting list. You will be on the waiting list until a matching kidney from a deceased donor becomes available. Most people in the United States wait about five years for a kidney from a deceased donor, but how long you will wait depends on many factors. For example, some regions have longer wait times than others.

You may not know how to go about finding someone to donate a kidney. It may even feel awkward to ask for a kidney donation, but here are things you can do to help your search for a living donor:

• Start by asking your friends and family. Though not always, people in your family often are good matches for a kidney donation.

• Practice sharing your story. Kidney disease is not a condition you can see. Many people in your life may not even know you have kidney disease and need a new kidney. It may be hard to talk about, but needing a new kidney to live is nothing to be ashamed of. Get comfortable sharing your story with others. You can write down talking points, or a script and practice on your own or with someone you trust. Think about how to bring up the subject, what questions people may have for you and what you are willing to share. This will help make future conversations easier.

• Think about how to ask. You know your friends and loved ones best. How you decide to reach out to people is completely up to you. You can:
  • Schedule a time to meet in person at a place where you will be comfortable having the conversation.
  • Send an email. It may be easier to start the conversation when you can get your thoughts out all at once.
  • Make a phone call. Remember to ask if it is a good time to talk. If not, schedule a time to call back.
  • Share your story on social media if you want to reach more people. Set your post to "public" if you would like other people to share it.

• Know the process. People like to have as much information as they can when they make a decision. Many people know very little about organ donation and it can be scary to think about giving away one of your vital organs. Be prepared to talk about the evaluation process for living donors as well as the surgery. When you explain the process and the benefits of living transplants, also be sure to mention the risks. It shows others that you are thinking about their needs. People will appreciate that you care about how this decision may affect them too.

• Make it a two-way conversation. You do not have to do all the talking. Ask questions to break the ice, give yourself a break from talking and allow the other person to tell you what they are thinking. Sample questions to ask:
  • What do you know about kidney disease?
  • What do you know about kidney transplant or and living donation?
  • What are your thoughts so far?
  • What do you think of the pros and cons?
  • Do you have any questions for me?
  • Are there any ways you can help me spread the word?

• Leave the conversation open-ended. Choosing to become a donor is a big decision. Focus more on starting the conversation and less on getting an answer on the spot. Share resources that can help people to learn more. Give them your transplant center's contact information. Ask them to reach out to you if they want to discuss further. Let them know that they do not have to provide an answer immediately. 
• Do not count people out. First, start with family members. They have the best chance of being a donor match. Then, think about friends and others you know. Some people may think they cannot help because of their blood type. This is not always the case. In a paired exchange, your relative or friend gives a kidney to someone else who needs it and that recipients' relative or friend can give their kidney to you. Be prepared to talk about all available options.
• Expand your search. If you are unable to find a donor among the people you know closely, do not give up. Every person you talk to can potentially become a champion for you. If you are comfortable, you can ask them to tap into their networks and spread the word about your need for a new kidney.
• Be kind to yourself. Remember, asking for a living kidney donation is a brave step in the right direction. The people you are talking to know it is not an easy conversation to have. It is okay if you do not get the answer you hope for on your first try. By having the conversation, you are educating others about kidney disease and the importance of organ donation. The more conversations you have, the easier it may become.

Are you ready to make the ask? Here is a template you can use to get started with writing an email.

Here is a shorter template for a social media post.